mind affair...

i am wrapped in silence, afraid to open my eyes
and gaze at sun-bleached limp curtains and
the unholy disorder of this room…

i have filtered the surface again and again;
but it always returns to this…
the gray brick tiles, scratched and dusty…
the wall hole where he smashed his fist in anger
at another of my shortcomings…

the cluttered array of jars, bottles, newspapers,
magazines, books…
nothing fits neatly in this conglomerate of things…
especially me
who longs for elegance and serenity
in well-appointed surroundings…

beauty, i tell myself, is a state of mind…
so i roll over and push my face into the pillow,
returning to you…your eager, elegant eyes
drawing me back into our little world;
so long gone, now…
i touch you and listen to the words which are
an endless torment and a pawned fascination to me…

i was part of your dream, then;
just as you have continued to be mine,
and i want you to surround me again
before i must rise and open the shades
on another starless day…

mind affair...soliloquies
ja allen