loss...

there was the fear of being unloved
long before the fear of being unheard…
i could define the first in early days
when the sun set regularly and
rose each morning with certainty…
i waited for the amber glow of sweetness
gazing longingly down the path where he
must ascend, searching for me…
for love is liquid and sweet,
to be imbibed in small doses from careful crystal…
touching lips and rolling gently over tongues…
like celluloid images rolling over and over
tailoring glory to those anointed…

when love finally arrived, i drank it deep…
foolishly, long and slow;
i bathed in it and let the golden blood
flood over me…
it touched me, grabbed hold and shook me to my soul;
monstrous, it shattered…
ambitious, it ground everything down;
it crushed my ego and deflated promise;
it grew ugly with unattended rage…
because i was not deserving;
i could not sustain it…
now, absence fills my horizon

i have words today
that no one can hear…
they are silent—buried beneath layers of reflection
and years of disappointment…
my fears have congealed, one to the other
like broken wings to wooden splints,
rubbing the weakness raw
until the pain makes me silent
and unloved….

loss...soliloquies

ja allen